Picking up in April Parts 1 and 2, By C.B.

Picking up in April
Part 1
By C.B.
written in 2002

I'll give up anything-
my home, my security,
you,
to be with the one I love.

You step off of the bus. This time a plane,
All very old fashioned,
tears in the rain,
green stripes to black- to tan- and back again.
My hand tightens on the flag as you hold me-
arms stretched around the baby.

"Your hair looks good........Have you lost weight?"
This is what it has come to-
after seven years together-
generic, cold, words fall and smother
our hearts with October frost.

And,
I am alone,
In a crowd of familiar faces,
with you,
more familiar than the rest.

In the morning after sex----
for the first time in 8 months,
You stand and put on your underwear.
Familiar tattoos weaving a maze on
muscular arms and back.

I rise a little and meet your eyes.
I know you will be home by ten
and,
not to ask where you are going again.
I turn to stare at a shadow
of a coat,
hanging.

Only when the darkness kills the light---
and I don't hear footsteps in the hall---
And only---
when the car engine sounds far away----
Do I kiss the hearted envelope,
touching the 6 perfect petals,
my lips touching the floral handwriting---
the scented desire of my soul.


Picking up in April
Part 2

The road is long for dinner---
but we go anyway---
baby sleeping in back.

You are screaming again----
nothing new,
something else that I've forgotten to do.
"Why can't you remember to do these things-
I don't fucking understand what in the hell is wrong
with you!"
Do I bite---
of course.
Stinging words lead to angry tears,
and after 2 days-
I am wishing that you were gone again.

You do not spend much needed time with us,
You are drwoning,
A spoonful of applesauce into baby's mouth,
As you slam your 5th drink.

Anger is seeping into the lines,
into your stone blue eyes,
and into the whiskey
that you choke down your throat.

You will yell again,
and I will cry,
and then when we turn off the lights,
I will have to give up my body...my soul....
again.

When I am pretending to love you.
When you are lying next to me in bed.
Six soft petals will enter my mind,
And I will strangle my feelings---
and wish that you were dead